


Pavlova

by dormiensa



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Babies, Bets & Wagers, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Content, Minor Violence, Plot Based on Book/Film, Polyjuice Potion, Post-Hogwarts, Pregnancy, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-15
Updated: 2014-12-15
Packaged: 2018-03-22 06:53:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 47
Words: 17,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3719266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dormiensa/pseuds/dormiensa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Conditioned as they all have been to gaining as many points as possible for their Houses, Hermione and her friends can’t help but partake in another competition.  This time, it involves training their significant others.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Remix of: Shakespeare's The Taming of the Shrew   
> Beta: Unseenlibrarian

“How do you feel, Hermione?”

“I’ve been better, Hannah, but I think I’m sufficiently recovered now.”

“Are you ‘sufficiently recovered’ to deal with your anxious group of friends in the wait room?”

Hermione groaned. She was grateful that the other Ladies Who Lunch (or The Witches Who Whine and Dine, as Draco had dubbed them) had brought her to St. Mungo’s when she had collapsed just as they were ready to order their appetizers, but... _Oh god, Draco_... Hermione groaned again.

“I will take that as a ‘no’, then. Not to worry, I’ll tell them that you need to be on bedrest for observation the next few hours and send them home. I know you won’t hate me for taking the liberty of owling Draco... Hmmm. From the sudden commotion, I suspect he’s just arrived. I’ll send him in. Breathe, Hermione. This is unexpected, I know, but not the end of the world. C’mon, deep breaths. Good girl.”

Hermione was still trying to compose herself when Draco rushed in.

“Panse said you fainted at the restaurant. Are you all right? Hannah says you are, but then she told the gaggle that you need to stay for observation. What’s wrong?”

 _The truth shall set you free._ Hermione took a deep breath. “Nothing’s wrong. It’s just—well—don’t panic, but I’m... I’m pregnant.”

Draco slipped off the edge of the bed and landed with a dull _THUD_ on the floor in a dead faint. 

Hermione sighed and grabbed her wand to activate the “Need Assistance” trigger-charm. _Well, at least the truth didn’t make him flee..._

***

Hermione looked up at the sound of a knock on her door and blinked. Into her office stepped the entire body of the Ladies Who Lunch. Blaise transfigured her guest chair into a long table while Padma conjured seating for everyone. 

“Our luncheon yesterday was rather a failure, ’Mione, so we all thought we’d make up for it by bringing it to you. I’ve already told Donna to clear your schedule for the afternoon so that you can enjoy your lunch.”

“That’s very kind of you, Ginny, but—”

“’Mione, you’ve accumulated enough overtime hours to warrant an extended lunch.”

“That’s right, Hermione. And besides, you’re eating for two now.” Susan dragged Hermione from behind her desk, which she magically moved toward the wall to make more room, and pushed the reluctant witch into the empty chair at the head of the table. “Sit and eat. I’ve consulted with Healer Hannah and have been given strict instructions to make sure you don’t skip lunch again for the next few months until the sprog is popped.”

“And all of us have volunteered to share the task. You’ll be having lunch every day with at least one of us henceforth, Kitten.” Blaise gave her a devious grin as he spooned some grilled vegetables onto her plate. “By the by, Kitten, you may have told us the exciting news, but you didn’t mention Draco’s reaction when you told him.”

“He fainted.”

“Ha! I knew it! Pay up!” Pansy gleefully collected Galleons from a few of the assembled witches.

“Oh dear. Ron did that, too. But he’s been very good about taking things in stride now that he’s over the shock.”

“Ha, ‘in stride’ is such a sweet way of putting it, Susan. I’d argue that my dear brother’s ‘sympathetic’ cravings have surpassed yours in both frequency and weirdness.”

“Oh goodness, yes. Remember last Sunday, he drove Molly to distraction when he was looking for her jar of gooseberry jam to put some on top of his piece of shepherd’s pie?”

“Ugh, don’t remind me, Padma!”

“Don’t be too judgmental, Ginny. Wait until it’s your turn. Oliver may only be an honorary Weasley, but there’s no guarantee that he won’t develop the eccentric behaviour that every father-to-be in the family has displayed so far. Ron’s eating habits are at least in tune with his predilection for food. Remember how ‘Unflappable’ Bill fussed worse than Molly when Fleur was pregnant with Victoire? And George went through that phase of Percy-like seriousness during Luna’s second trimester. He scared even Percy!”

“Ugh, don’t remind me, Hermione. The number of times I thought it was my husband scolding when it was his brother! What’s worse, George lost his sense of humour completely during that time. Percy, at least, retained his dry wit throughout my pregnancy.”

“He also cried a lot, if I recall correctly, Padma. It was cute, though. But yes, George without his sense of humour _was_ a scary sight. Poor Fred; he must’ve been out of his wits with worry. But I suppose there’s a chance for him to get his revenge in the future, wouldn’t you say, Silvana?”

“Oh no, not you, too, Hermione! Molly’s been after me constantly. She especially loves to ambush me when I’m holding the twins! Hints about how she’d loved another pair of grandkids. I think I’d go insane if I had twins. I don’t know how you keep so calm, Luna! But what am I saying? I don’t think even quintuplets would faze you.”

“Mummy had two sows that gave birth around the same time. One had nine piglets and the other twelve. But the one with nine only had eight teats, so Mummy let me feed the littlest one from a bottle—she would’ve died otherwise. I think that as long as the mother has enough teats to nurse her babies, it doesn’t matter. The old fertility goddess statues had multiple breasts. Maybe I could find a spell for that if I ever have quintuplets.”

There was much exaggerated concentration on the food in front of everyone following Luna’s monologue. 

Blaise was the first to break the silence. “I’m feeling a bit left out of this bonding over babies and potential babies. Even though she hasn’t said anything, I know that Pansy has been trying for a few months for a little leprechaun of her own. And Milli won’t wait too long after her nuptials next month to begin her own little garden, if she values her peace of mind. That Grandmother Longbottom is one formidable witch. Anyway, I think I should acquire a pet of some kind. Something that needs hatching, preferably. I bet (he glanced around the table saucily) that I can have Harry catering to my every whim during my ‘nesting period’ better than any one of your men.”

“I disagree!”

“Me, too!”

“No one could possibly be more attentive than Percy. He had the bowl of watermelon ready even before I told him I craved some!”

The playful argument went on for a few minutes before Pansy effectively put a stop to it. “I bet Draco would be the hardest to tame.”

Giggles and gasps greeted that statement, and all eyes swivelled toward Hermione, who sighed. “I don’t disagree with that. Although it _would_ be fun to try.”

“Well, why don’t you, Kitten? In fact, why don’t we all? There are enough mothers and mothers-to-be here. Let’s make it a friendly competition. See whose partner is the most obedient by the end. We’ll use the birth of Hermione and Draco’s sprog as the deadline. Those who become pregnant in the allotted time can join in, of course, and do as best they can.”

“I vote Luna to be our judge. She’s the only one in our group who has no interest in ‘improving’ her man, I bet.”

“Agree!”

“But how do we showcase the improvement? Do we rank them? There’s no way that Luna can be at different places to judge, not with twins and a mischief-prone husband!”

“That’s right. We should come up with some sort of ranking scale or set of objectives to measure progress.”

“How about willingness to do something, on a scale from one to ten?”

“I like that!”

“And be able to rate satisfaction.”

“Yes, very important.”

“But there may be circumstantial factors that should be taken into account. Sometimes a rating doesn’t reflect that.”

“Like how, even though Ron ate half of the food by the time you got it, it’s the thought that counts?”

“Hey! You had a hissy-fit when Oliver bought the wrong brand of shampoo, Ginevra, and you don’t even have pregnancy as an excuse!”

“Not as big a fit as the one Fleur gave when Bill was five minutes late coming home, remember?”

“Ladies, before this turns into a serious argument, let’s focus on the challenge. Kitten, I know you’re itching to jot these ideas down—don’t think I haven’t noticed your restless fingers. Now, I think we should let Hermione come up with the means of rating performance. I’m sure her sense of fair play rivals even the Hufflepuffs in such cases, so whatever she comes up with will not give anyone an advantage. Objections? Excellent! Now, any other suggestions?”

Hermione spent the next half-hour making notes, crossing out items that were deemed too silly or too complicated, arguing logistics, and making sure that no more food was being added to her plate, since she had already eaten more than enough. When everyone had finished eating and was satisfied with the final list of requirements for the “tally”, the luncheon was adjourned and she once again gained the use and privacy of her office. 

Looking at the time, she was shocked to note that she had but an hour before end-of-day. Hermione cleared out as much of her inbox as possible, prioritized the remaining items, and tucked the parchment from lunch in a safe place, to be tackled at some later point during the remainder of the week, after she’d had time to ponder it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Report #:** 1  
 **Reporting mother:** Hermione Granger  
 **Spouse/partner:** Draco Malfoy  
 **Task:** trading desserts—my lemon meringue pie for his triple chocolate fudge cake  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 3  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** under two minutes (estimate)  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 10  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** Draco was very reluctant, but it only took a short time for him to remember that a) we were in a public restaurant and b) I’m pregnant, so it’s his sprog talking. After he or she is born, I’m going to have to train the baby to not be as picky about his or her food as Draco.  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** Poor Draco. Triple chocolate fudge cake is his favourite, but I found out, to my dismay, that I couldn’t stomach my lemon meringue! I guess those appetite changes the books were warning about are true! I really hope this is a temporary phase—I’m going to turn into a fat pig if I continue to eat chocolate cake!


	3. Chapter 3

Hermione decided that a short, easy-to-complete survey would work best. Each “competitor” was given ten copies of the survey with a “master” that would make as many duplicates as were needed by each witch (or Blaise) after an incantation (which allowed one to specify the number of copies) was spoken. They were also equipped with Quick-Quotes Quills to make reporting easier (and in some cases, more legible). Each completed survey would automatically be folded, sealed, and magicked to Luna and George’s mailbox; Luna was given a separate incantation to break the seal and read the contents. The parchment that was noted as the “final report” would tally the final scores—the algorithm was independently checked and approved by one of the Gringotts goblins—and give a final rating, out of ten, to the wizard under scrutiny. The wizard with the highest score was, obviously, the winner. 

And despite initial disagreements, Hermione managed to convince the others that the “prize” would simply be bragging rights. No point in straining their friendships over a silly competition.

***

“Well, that didn’t turn out too badly, given the circumstances.”

“‘Not too badly’? Has the presence of the sprog addled your brains? Your mum was gripping your dad’s arm the entire time. I’m sure, if he were a wizard, I’d’ve been _Avada_ ’d by now. _My_ mum gave me the same look that she gave Father when he told her the Dark Lord had ‘chosen’ the manor as his main headquarters. And Father only refrained from giving me a lecture because he was in danger of spilling family secrets that are best not discussed in polite company.”

“They certainly reacted less dramatically to the news than you did.”

“Hey!”

Hermione playfully tapped the tip of his nose with her index finger. “You’d better be careful that you don’t become one of those domineering, I-know-what’s-best-for-you fathers because I’ll tell the sprog how you fainted and ruin that image.”

“Father was like that; Grandfather as well. I don’t think I can escape that fate. Maybe you should find a better father for the sprog.” Draco sighed.

“Oh, Draco, you silly. You’ve come so far and let go of so many of the prejudices you were brought up with; you’re going to be a great father. You’ve got your mum’s example to follow. Besides, you told me yourself that while Lucius was strict, he wasn’t constantly critical when there wasn’t anyone around that he had to put on the act for.”

“But what if—”

“Draco, we’re both stubborn and like our own way. I’m just as prone to causing psychological damage to our child as you are! But he or she will never be in any doubt about how much we love him or her, and that’s what’s important, wouldn’t you agree?”

Draco sighed again. “You win. But don’t think it’ll become a habit after we’re married.”

“Hmph. My sound reasoning will prevail in the end, even if you think you’ve got the advantage of the last word.”

“You just keep believing that if it makes you happy, love. Oh, did I tell you we completed the tests on your contraception potion and the random ones from the Apothecary? Seems the batch that your potion was from had used a worthless bundle of Queen Anne’s Lace, greatly reducing effectiveness. The manager has been receiving complaints from others but apparently felt it didn’t warrant investigation or notifying other customers and the authorities. The faulty bottles have been confiscated and our department will be testing every shipment of every product the Apothecary sells henceforth to ensure quality control.”

“And the manager?”

“Is naturally being monitored and knows it. I had the great pleasure of informing him that you are one of the unfortunate victims of the botched potion. I just happened to neglect mentioning that I’m also thrilled that the accident happened.”

“How kind of you. I did have my doubts when you were lying there, senseless, on the floor.”

“You’re never going to let me forget that, are you? I was momentarily overwhelmed by dual emotions of surprise and relief.”

“You keep on believing that if it makes you happy, love.”

“We’ll make a Slytherin of you yet. Or perhaps it’s the sprog’s Slytherin tendencies manifesting already.”

“I suppose there’s no point trying to get you to consider the possibility of your first-born being a daughter either?”

“The odds are not in favour of that. You need only consult the family tree for the past fifteen generations.”

“Just because the first one to have successfully made it to term was male. You have no proof that there weren’t any abortions or miscarriages.”

“We would have been perfectly satisfied with a female heir! The only thing that needed to be done was ensure that her heir, whether male or female, was given the Malfoy name so that he or she could rightfully inherit. It’s not a common practice among the old families but not unheard of.”

“And if you only had daughters and granddaughters, would you insist on implementing such an archaic tradition?”

“No, not unless they married Potters, Weasleys, or Longbottoms. Ow!”

“Just for that, I’ll have a chat with Padma and see if we can reinstate arranged marriages. Both of you come from such traditions, so there can’t be any objections.”

“My, not yet the lady of the manor and already thinking like one! Mum will be so pleased! She’s been hinting that we should move into the manor so that you can be properly cared for by the house-elves.”

“You forget that Hannah warned about causing me any unpleasant emotional turmoil. Are you really going to invoke my ire?”

“More hormone talk! Theo warned me. Oh, my sweet, little mother-of-my-unborn, forgive me my folly. Ow! That’s it! You want joy and laughter? Happy to oblige!”

Within minutes, Draco rendered Hermione a helpless heap of giggles, having instigated a mean round of tickling. Then, having pinned her down, he proceeded with another activity that always guaranteed extreme bliss to both of them.


	4. Chapter 4

**Report #:** 1  
 **Reporting mother:** Susan Weasley  
 **Spouse/partner:** Ronald Weasley  
 **Task:** getting Ron to cook an omelette  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 2  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 45 min  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 3  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** the task would’ve been completed a lot sooner if someone didn’t spend double the time complaining about it!  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** I’m sorry that I had to wake him up at 3 a.m. because the baby was craving eggs! He or she clearly takes after Ron’s crazy eating habits. I can’t believe I have to eat the omelette with pickles and blue cheese dressing either, but that’s what the baby wants, so unless Mr Grumpy would rather his kid starve... These cravings are going to be the death of me.


	5. Chapter 5

**Report #:** 1   
**Reporting mother:** Padma Weasley  
 **Spouse/partner:** Percy Weasley  
 **Task:** getting Percy to take a week off work  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 4  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 8 hrs  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 7  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** Percy, thankfully, acquiesced before bedtime, so we didn’t go to bed angry. The time lapse was because he had to wait until the next morning to put in a request for vacation.   
**Miscellaneous notes:** Yemaya is starting to really respond to external stimuli, and Percy is going to miss out on bonding with his daughter if he continues to work his ridiculously long hours. All the money he’ll make will be for nothing if he and his daughter are strangers. It’s for his benefit that I’m doing this. I can handle things just fine at home. Haven’t I helped take care of my twin brothers and two Quidditch teams’ worth of cousins?


	6. Chapter 6

**Report #:** 2  
 **Reporting mother:** Hermione  
 **Spouse/partner:** Draco  
 **Task:** changing his cologne  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 4  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 2 hrs  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 8  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** Draco sulkily pointed out that I loved the scent, but that was before the pregnancy. Apparently, the sprog doesn’t like it. It’s not my fault.  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** Draco is whining that the new scent makes him smell girly. Well, he throws hissy fits even more spectacularly than his best friend... and besides, he spends more time and Galleons on his hair than I do!


	7. Chapter 7

**Report #:** 3  
 **Reporting mother:** Hermione  
 **Spouse/partner:** Draco  
 **Task:** Not assigned, but Draco insisted on accompanying me to my check-up at Mungo’s with Hannah  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 10  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** not applicable  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 10  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** I know this is not a task report, _per se_ , but I think it important to highlight that Draco hasn’t only been an arse so far in the pregnancy. I was very touched when he insisted on coming.  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** Draco has been reading the books! He knew that Hannah would be doing a diagnostic to see how the baby was getting along. She calls it The Illusory Fetal Diagnostic Technique, which is essentially a cross between an ultrasound and a hologram. We could see and hear the baby’s heartbeat! Draco hasn’t stopped grinning.


	8. Chapter 8

**Report #:** 4  
 **Reporting mother:** Hermione Granger  
 **Spouse/partner:** Draco Malfoy  
 **Task:** convincing Draco to buy some take-away sashimi  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 1  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** not applicable; he refused to comply  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 1  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** I should’ve allowed a negative score. Apparently, my needs and emotional distress count for nothing in the face of Hannah’s strictures that raw fish be forbidden. I’m going to die if I have to wait seven months before I can have tuna rolls again!  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** Draco is sleeping on the couch tonight. He made the mistake of pointing out that it’d probably be over a year before I can satisfy my cravings for sashimi, given that I plan to breastfeed the sprog. Apparently, he read in one of my pregnancy books that raw fish is bad for nursing mothers and infants. All of a sudden, _he’s_ the expert! Boy or girl, this is going to be our only offspring!


	9. Chapter 9

**Report #:** 2  
 **Reporting mother:** Susan Weasley  
 **Spouse/partner:** Ron Weasley  
 **Task:** asking Ron to massage my feet  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 10  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** less than 1 minute  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 10  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** Ron gives the best massages. He even took time for a cuddle, even though I know he was starving. He could never hide his tummy rumbles.  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** I’ve got such a sweet husband!


	10. Chapter 10

**Report #:** 1  
 **Reporting mother:** Blaise Zabini  
 **Spouse/partner:** Harry Potter  
 **Task:** asking Harry to relinquish rattiest Weasley jumper to be used to insulate egg  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** ~~10~~ ~~8~~ ~~5~~ ~~3~~ 2  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** ~~under five minutes~~ ~~half-hour~~ ~~one hour~~ oh fine, three hours  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 3  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** Harry parted with the ragged jumper with extreme reluctance. But really, he can’t even fit into that jumper any longer! Such silly, sentimental reasons about how Molly knitted the Horntail on it to commemorate his first task during the Triwizard. Gryffindors!   
**Miscellaneous notes:** Which brilliant witch voted for Hermione to decide the final draft of this questionnaire? Whoever it was, a pox to you! There are anti-cheating spells on these parchments. And I would like to point out that my satisfaction rating has more to do with my dissatisfaction with the format of the questionnaire than Harry’s willingness to give up that tattered, moldy jumper.


	11. Chapter 11

**Report #:** 5  
 **Reporting mother:** Hermione  
 **Spouse/partner:** Draco  
 **Task:** getting Draco to inform his mum that her guest list needs to be halved  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 3  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 1 week  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 3  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** Draco finally agreed to my reasonable request. I’ve discovered that if I just take a moment, I can cry on command—those hormones are good for something! And Draco has yet to become immune to my tears. Keeping a note in my secret journal at work. I wonder if I can train myself to do that after the sprog’s born.  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** I can’t deal with a big wedding, not when I can barely hold anything down still. If I was able to travel, I’d insist we elope, parents’ ire be damned!


	12. Chapter 12

**Report #:** 2  
 **Reporting mother:** Blaise  
 **Spouse/partner:** Harry  
 **Task:** starting a vegan diet   
**How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 1—but only because a negative scale isn’t possible  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** on-going—Harry hasn’t complied yet, but he will because Kreacher has been given his instructions  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 9  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** No Gryffindor can outwit a Slytherin, so even though the task isn’t yet complete, I _know_ Harry will come around to my way of thinking.  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** It only makes sense to adopt a similar diet to our hatchling-to-be. Nurturing begins in the womb for sprogs, so the entire house is the hatchling’s womb and should, therefore, be a safe environment within which to develop. The presence of meat, especially birds of any form, and chicken eggs cannot be good for the hatchling, isn’t that right, my chickie?


	13. Chapter 13

**Report #:** 6  
 **Reporting mother:** Hermione  
 **Spouse/partner:** Draco  
 **Task:** going to sleep without having sex  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 1  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 10 min  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 5  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** Draco went into the guest room to sulk.   
**Miscellaneous notes:** This is the first time Draco has failed to talk me into having sex. It’s _not_ a punishment for having knocked me up! My nipples hurt, my breasts are swollen, my back hurts, I’ve been having headaches, and my hormones are driving me nuts. I just can’t contemplate sex. The books say this is a normal reaction, but he’s angry all the same. And now I’m going to have to sleep alone... *sob*


	14. Chapter 14

“Hi Harry! I take it you’re my lunch partner today. Blaise is really embracing his motherly side, isn’t he? So, where would you like to eat?”

“I thought we’d eat in the park, since it’s nice weather.”

“Let’s go!”

When they’d settled into the comfortable lawn chairs that Harry conjured along with the table upon which they spread out their lunch items, Hermione asked, “So, what ‘bird food’ did Kreacher help disguise for you today?”

“Beef bourguignon. And thank you again for finding the loophole so I don’t have to become a vegan during the incubation period.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t think of it yourself—remember how you sent us letters when your cousin had to go on that diet? We still have to wait and see how Blaise will be after your Hercinia hatches. If he still insists on the vegan diet, we may have to make the deception more elaborate, especially for the times when the two of you will be out and about. He’s in nesting mode right now, but incubation is only twenty-eight days, and he’ll suffer from cabin fever soon after. I guarantee it.”

“Yeah, well, we’ll deal with that later.” Harry paused and then heaved a breath. “I actually wanted to talk to you about something else—well, it’s related, but not exactly about the hatchling. Over the weekend, we visited Blaise’s mum. She was actually excited about the hatchling. I didn’t think she possessed an ounce of maternity, given how much attention she paid Blaise, but she seemed genuinely interested. I’ve never seen Blaise so happy after spending time with his mum. Anyway, his cousin, Arya also happened to be there, so we chatted. You know, she could pass as his sister, they look so much alike. She brought up the subject of having a baby of our own and hinted that she wouldn’t mind being ‘the mother’ if we were willing. I asked Blaise about it last night, and he was as surprised as I was... well, in short, we’re seriously considering it.”

“Harry, that’s a wonderful solution to your desire for children! But I have to ask—and please don’t be offended that I seem to be pouring cold water on this idea—do you think she genuinely wants to help you and Blaise or is she after the prestige of having been the surrogate mother to the child of the famous Harry Potter?”

“You know, Hermione, you’ve been hanging around Slytherins too long. Maybe I have, too. I had the same concern, and I did put it to Blaise very bluntly that I don’t want those strings attached. Blaise assured me that she’s nothing like that; her offer is completely altruistic. They’re like brother and sister, and not having any other siblings—or, in Blaise’s case, full sibs—they’re very close. She’s been away on assignment in Peru, so that’s why it’s the first time I’ve met her.”

“Well, then, Harry, if the three of you are willing, I’d say go ahead. And with her being surrogate, some of Blaise’s genes will be passed down to your baby. At least, I’m assuming she’s donating the egg as well?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you want to do artificial insemination or _in vitro_? If you want, I can ask Hannah if Mungo’s is up-to-date with these techniques. I don’t know if they are, and, well, sometimes the Healers have some very antiquated ideas about medicine. If a Healer can’t help, I can see if my parents know of a reputable fertility clinic that can.”

“Er, I guess either is fine? Yeah, if you could ask Hannah, that’d be great. But don’t ask just yet. We’re... we haven’t decided. Thing is, both Blaise and I are worried we won’t make good parents. I know I can use Arthur as a great role model, but I did have Uncle Vernon’s attitudes for a longer period of my life... and then there’s the whole bit about me having been Voldemort’s Horcrux—”

“Harry, listen to me very carefully: even while you had a part of Voldemort’s soul embedded on you, not _once_ did you choose to be selfish to save yourself or be cruel to someone else because you could. Remember how you were willing to die while Voldemort possessed you at the Ministry? Voldemort feared death, you know that. If the bit of his soul had influenced you at all, you would’ve done anything to stop Dumbledore from killing you. And you never once abused your position as Quidditch captain to lord it over others—remember how supportive you were of Ron? If you were a bully like your Uncle Vernon, you would’ve thrown a fit and said some nasty things whenever Ron blundered.” Hermione sighed. “Draco wrote ‘Weasley is Our King’, not you.”

Harry squeezed her hand. “He’s outgrown his git-ness. Well, most of it. And if I’m a saint for putting up with Ron, then you’re a Buddha dealing with Malfoy.”

“Thanks, Harry. I’m really grateful that you and Ron have put the past behind you and given him a second chance.”

“Crookshanks is an excellent judge of character. If he doesn’t think Malfoy too slimy, then we shouldn’t either. Ow!”

“Oh, so it’s not _my_ good judgment that you’re relying on. Thanks a lot!”

“Love makes people do stupid things. Look at Snape. No, really, when Malfoy’s not on his high horse about something, he’s fairly decent. He’ll definitely be a good father—better than his own.”

“Yes, I know he will. And Blaise, too. He’ll make sure that no kid of his own will suffer any neglect.”

“I’ve been trying to convince him of that. He’s worried like I am. What with his own dad dying young and then that bastard of a stepfather causing those few years of misery. And while none of the subsequent stepfathers treated him quite as horribly, they pretty much ignored him, which is just as bad. So, he’s worried he’ll be like them.”

“Well, you can tell him from me that I think he’s worried over nothing. Just seeing how protective he is about an egg is enough to convince me that he’s got all the right instincts. I’d be more worried that he’ll be over-protective like Molly, actually.”

“Ha! Yes, well, even Ron didn’t turn out that badly.”

“True.”

“So, how have you been feeling? Do you still have the violent morning sickness?”

“It’s getting a bit better. Confined to the morning now, which is good. I’m able to eat a bit the rest of the day. Hannah told me to eat a little every other hour. It seems I can hold small quantities down.”

“And married life is everything you hoped it would be?”

“Nothing’s really changed. We agreed early in the relationship that we’d be open and honest about everything. So, it’s not as if we’d been holding back aspects of our personalities. All that’s changed is that we are now legally bound.”

“I suppose that’s true. You both saw the worst of each other in school. And I guess after living under the terror of Voldemort, Malfoy’s rather fed up with secrecy and deception.”

“Yes. He still needs a lot of... persuasion to talk about things, but I’ve found little ways to, um, encourage him to open up.”

“Like pick fights?”

“And tears. Something new that the sprog is helping me develop. I always thought that those girls from primary school were being prissies by crying to get their way, but I can now see the benefit of such a technique.”

“You’re really expressing that inner Slytherin. Malfoy ought to be careful. Not that I’d tell him, of course.”

“Ha, as if you don’t have one as well. Have you forgotten how you ‘convinced’ Blaise into accepting that first date?”

“Have _you_ forgotten that I had hints and coaching from both you and Pansy?”

“We only gave suggestions. The follow-through was entirely your own devising. But never mind, you’re right for each other. And now you’re planning a family! I’m really, really happy for you, Harry. Both of you deserve to have this. Stop worrying. Hatch the Hercinia, and let me get the info from Hannah or someone in the know. Then, you can decide when you want the second addition to the family.”

“Thanks, ’Mione.”

***

“Valued friends and worshipping family, may I present to you the newest addition to bless our house: Chionesu Zabini-Potter.” Blaise unravelled the tattered jumper to reveal a tiny bird covered in dark-green down. It blinked and gave a feeble “cheep”.

Harry snorted and took possession of the jumper so that the hatchling could be passed around. “We’re calling him ‘Foss’ for everyday; it’s short for ‘phosphorescence’.”

“He’s so adorably tiny!”

“And so soft! Hello, chicklet!”

“ _Subuta_ , wee bairn. ‘ _May the blessing of light be on you,  
light without and light within.  
May the blessed sunlight shine on you  
and warm your heart  
’til it glows like a great peat fire_.’” 

Hermione rolled her eyes, but Blaise seemed exceptionally pleased with Draco’s solemn greeting. 

Pansy couldn’t help teasing her best friend. “I suppose we should all look through the dusty tomes and find archaic blessings to have ready when _your_ sprog graces the world with his presence?”

Draco smirked. “But of course! The birth of a Malfoy is a world-changing event that requires all manner of pomp and circumstance.” 

Hermione snorted. “I’ll arrange a week-long festival to celebrate your passing from this world, then.”

“You wound me, _vesse vanima_.”

“It’s the only way to get your inflated ego to fit through the door.”

“Oi! Enough with the flirting! Susan is finally over the morning sickness. Don’t make her start again. Or me, for that matter.”

“You could always self-inflict the Slug-vomiting Charm again, Weasel King. Ow!”

“Thanks, ’Mione. See, Ferret-breath, she still loves me more. Yowch!”

“Play nice, Ronald Bilius Weasley.”

“Yes, dear.”

Harry sighed. “Here, Ron. Say ‘hello’ to your Uncle Ron, Foss.”

“Say, Harry, I thought they have a golden-orange plumage. Sure you bought the right egg?”

“For your information, Ronald, Hercinia don’t develop their adult plumage until they’ve mastered the art of flying. While still helpless, it is a sensible protective mechanism to blend with the foliage. I’ll thank you not to insult the intelligence of your best friend or mine.”

“Be offended not, Blaise. Have you failed to recollect that he was born in a bin?”

Hermione frowned. “If I wasn’t holding this adorable hatchling, Draco ‘Meat-headed Maggot’ Malfoy...”

“Oi!”

“That’s a great one, ’Mione! I’ll have to remember that for future.”

“They’re my endearments for him, Ron. Find your own.”

“Who does she love more now, Weasel King?”

“’Ey, Harry. What say we get some refreshments to toast your new arrival?”

“Excellent suggestion, Seamus. Ron, would you help me bring up some drinks from the cellar? And everyone, please help yourselves to the snacks. Kreacher’s been cooking and baking all day.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Report #:** 2  
 **Reporting mother:** Padma  
 **Spouse/partner:** Percy  
 **Task:** getting Percy to stop taking so many pictures of Yemaya   
**How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 2  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 1 hr  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 6  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** Percy would only put down the camera when Yemaya voiced her support of Mummy’s demand.  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** This obsessive photographing of every moment of our daughter’s life is getting ridiculous! We do not need _another_ roll’s worth of pictures of her sleeping! Or breast-feeding! I’m not just a milk dispenser; I have a right to my privacy, too! I regret making Percy take that week off work to bond with Yemaya if this crazy need to document every minute is the result. It’s bad enough that I have to take pictures while he is at work so that he doesn’t miss any crucial milestones. Oh no! He’s gotten hold of the camera again! PERCY!


	16. Chapter 16

**Report #:** 3  
 **Reporting mother:** Susan  
 **Spouse/partner:** Ron  
 **Task:** Having sex  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 5  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 15 min  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 7  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** Ron was paranoid about hurting the baby while making love. I finally convinced him after a blow job. But even then, he kept confirming if the baby was all right, which rather put a damper on the mood.  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** I’m finally at a stage where I’m in the mood and my body is more settled into the pregnancy, and _my husband_ is the reluctant one! When I confronted him about it afterwards, he finally admitted that Molly had said something to him. Just because _she’s_ going through menopause! I will definitely not feel a twinge of guilt asking her to babysit as often as I need!


	17. Chapter 17

**Report #:** 7  
 **Reporting mother:** Hermione  
 **Spouse/partner:** Draco  
 **Task:** getting Draco to scrub the toilet henceforth  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 4  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 1 hr  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 8  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** Draco did an amazingly satisfactory job, for a first-timer.   
**Miscellaneous notes:** I can’t look at the toilet bowl without horrible flashbacks of those awful few weeks of being practically fused to it. Besides, knowing how to clean a toilet properly without magic is a good skill to have. It’ll certainly prepare him for diaper duty.


	18. Chapter 18

**Report #:** 4  
 **Reporting mother:** Susan  
 **Spouse/partner:** Ron  
 **Task:** massaging my back and feet—yes, again!  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 4  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 15 min  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 9  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** My back pains aren’t going away, neither are my swollen feet. At least, not until the baby is birthed.  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** Ron used to be such a sweetheart about massages. It’s either this temporary pain relief or crying every time I need to move. I know I’m just this whale of a bag of rampant hormones and emotions, but I can’t help it! I hurt all over!


	19. Chapter 19

**Report #:** final report  
 **Reporting mother:** Padma  
 **Spouse/partner:** Percy  
 **Task:** forfeiting the competition  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** not applicable  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** not applicable  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** not applicable  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** not applicable  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** Yemaya has started teething and is unbearably cross because of it. She cried for eight hours non-stop yesterday. At this point, as long as Percy doesn’t bother me about anything, that is all I care about. So, I’m no longer participating in this contest. To the eventual winner, congratulations. Luna has very kindly agreed to look after Yemaya for a few hours so that I can take a nap.


	20. Chapter 20

**Report #:** 8  
 **Reporting mother:** Hermione  
 **Spouse/partner:** Draco  
 **Task:** Draco being unceasingly gracious in fulfilling repeated requests for back and foot rubs  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 10  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** within seconds  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 10  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** Draco responded with alacrity to every request, willingly putting aside whatever it was he was doing at the time to provide as much relief, comfort, and support to his wife.  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** Let the record show that “reporter satisfaction” scores less than perfect are more a reflection of the unstable hormonal state of the reporting mother than it is an accurate reflection of the spouse’s abilities and willingness to complete any and all tasks required of him. Furthermore... _I’m just sending an owl to Blaise, Yummy Mummy, I’ll be right there..._


	21. Chapter 21

Hermione and Draco were warmly greeted by Bill and Fleur at the front door of Shell Cottage. They were not the first to arrive. Punctuality was requiring more and more effort, and for a family event such as little Victoire’s sixth birthday, Hermione gave up trying. The birthday girl came running to give her a hug, and Hermione found herself struggling to her feet after kneeling down.

“The sudden-windedness starting to affect you, too, Hermione?”

Hermione joined the girls and sat down gingerly. “Yes, apparently. I hope everyone’s well. Hello, Yemaya, sweetie. Oh, is that big smile all for Auntie Hermione?” Hermione settled the gurgling Yemaya on her lap and kissed her. “And how are you, Susan? It’s only another month for you, isn’t it?”

“Yes, and I can’t wait. Ron was fussing about whether we should come today—my back was hurting badly and I hadn’t slept a wink because the baby was kicking all night. But I insisted; I may be house-bound for the next while, so who knows when we can have a nice chat like this?”

“Well, Ron’s stopped fussing now that he’s stood up to his Aunt Muriel. Tell Hermione what he did, Susan.”

“Aunt Muriel invited herself, in case you were wondering, Hermione. Anyway, I’ve been getting rather irritated with everyone—family, acquaintances, co-workers, and strangers alike—thinking they can rub my bulge with impunity. An old hag told me off when I politely informed her that I was uncomfortable with her doing so. The nerve! Thank you all, by the way, for your restraint. So, I complained to Ron about it, and when he’s out with me, he’ll yell at people who attempt to rub my bulge without permission. Aunt Muriel arrived before we did, and naturally, she made a beeline for my tummy as soon as we walked in. Ron slapped her hand away and told her off for her bad etiquette! I had to excuse myself and hurry into the bathroom before I burst out laughing, which I did. I even managed to get out of my underwear before I started leaking. I have no control of my bladder.”

“Good for Ron! My bulge isn’t that noticeable, but I’m already having your problem of people thinking they have the right to rub it. I’ve placed a spell that gives the unwelcome party an electric shock if he or she tries to without prior consent; it is neutralized with consent, of course.”

“Leave it to you to come up with such a solution, Hermione!”

“Credit should be given to Narcissa, who devised it. Where are the twins, Luna?”

“George has them. He and Fred are giving them rides on their broomsticks.”

“What! Is that safe?”

“Oh, they love it. George usually has one tied to his front and the other on his back, but with Fred, it’s even easier. Oh, they’re done.”

George came in the back door, his twins in his arms. “Here’s your ‘Loony-Lovey’ mum.” He kissed the top of Luna’s head and attempted to hand over the babies, but they protested and clung onto him. “Well, I guess you’ll hang out with your ‘George-ous’ dad for a bit. And how are you lovely ladies? Your reports have been very amusing bedtime reading, by the way. I know more than I care to about my brothers, but that’s all right.”

“So, who are you boys betting will win? Oh, don’t give me that innocent look, George Weasley.”

“No, can’t tell. It might introduce unfair bias in the reporting. And some of you already have enough trouble with the various leaking body fluids. Wouldn’t want to be the cause of further distress. I see Harry and Blaise coming up the lane. The twins will want to pet Foss. That is, if Blaise will let them. You ladies enjoy your cackling.”

Percy was the next to interrupt, but he only stopped long enough to greet Hermione and collect Yemaya so that she could see the Hercinia. Blaise soon joined them, having collected praise for his beautiful chick and left him in “Daddy’s” capable hands.

“Hello, my lovelies. I decided to leave the boasting fathers and whining expectant ones to their own devices. You’re looking well, Hermione. It’s countdown for you, isn’t it, Susan? And the mothers are calm and elegant, as usual. Silvana, are you pregnant yet?”

Silvana groaned. “You’re the fiftieth person to ask me today.”

“No pressure from me, love. I was merely inquiring if congratulations were in order. But don’t fret. I see Ginny hasn’t arrived, and when she does, you’ll have an ally.”

“Don’t let anyone pressure you into having children before you’re ready, Silvana.”

“Rather odd advice coming from you, Kitten. I would’ve expected you to counsel on the use of proper protection.”

“I put too much faith in a botched Contraception Potion. I admit it. I’ve learned the spell the Regulations staff are using to test for faulty potions and will be checking _all_ potions I purchase henceforth. And I’ll remember to also use a Contraception Charm so I won’t be _in_ this pickle again.”

“Well, it was an inevitability, in any case. You’re just popping the sprog sooner than anticipated. And Draco’s quite gotten over the initial shock. I never thought he could be more insufferably smug than when he was a part of the Inquisitorial Squad, but I’m apparently mistaken.”

“Hermione has been taking her revenge by giving Draco low scores for his tasks. The one that Draco submitted has been excluded, Hermione, so you need not worry that it will affect the overall score.”

“Draco submitted a report behind my back? That prat!”

“Good to know he hasn’t lost his Slytherin edge.”

“I don’t think Draco could ever be anything but one hundred percent Slytherin, Padma.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that. It took quite some courage for him to ask Kitten out. There is only Ginny’s unpredictably violent temper that is more frightening.”

“True!”

“Although, I think he may take offense if anyone ever told him he has an ounce of Gryffindor in him.”

“Which is why I haven’t pointed it out to him, love. I may encourage Pansy to do so, however.”

“Oh, you’re so devious, Blaise!”

“He would have to be. Harry is no pushover, you know. The evil soul may be gone, but some of the cunning remains.”

“Pots and kettles, Kitten! As if _your_ inner Slytherin is as insignificant as Harry’s scar.”

“Of course it isn’t! It would take more than Gryffindor strength to control Draco. You forget that she was the one who felled the unhinged Umbridge.”

“That’s right! I’d quite forgotten. And let’s not forget—”

Hermione hastily steered the attention away from herself. “Foss has such lovely plumage, Blaise. What have you been feeding him?”

“Would you believe plain corn and wheat-germ? I tried giving him more exotic fare, like ground pistachios and mulberries, but he prefers the corn. He takes after his daddy.”

“Well, seeing as he got his papa’s exotic looks, it’s only fair that he express something of his daddy.”

“Good point.”

The conversation was once again interrupted with the arrival of the various fathers dropping off their offspring. Harry informed them apologetically that they were heading out for some Quidditch. There were enough of them to cover all the positions, now that he was here.

However, before the boys had even made their way out of the sitting room, Ginny and Oliver finally showed up. After greeting her brother and sister-in-law, Ginny announced to the room, “Hello, everyone! I’m four months pregnant! We just found out yesterday!” Beside her, Oliver groaned and hid his face in his hands.

Fred and George were the first to recover. They each took an ear and manhandled Oliver out the front door. Bill, Charlie, Percy, Ron, and Harry followed closely behind. Draco congratulated Ginny, pecked her on the cheek, and sauntered after the boys.

It took Ginny some time to finally make her way to the girls’ corner. She did not look at all repentant at the bomb she’d dropped.

“Ginny, did you not suspect at all before yesterday?”

“I would still be in the dark if the medic hadn’t insisted on testing me. My uniform was getting a bit snug, but I just assumed it was because I haven’t been playing as much.”

“But what about the changes to your body? Don’t tell me you didn’t think your breasts felt bigger, that you started getting back aches, _that you’d stopped having your menses!_ ” 

Ginny shrugged. “I’ve always been irregular and even more so after starting with the Harpies. I just attributed the aches and pains to Quidditch practice. Besides, I never had the morning sickness. _That_ would’ve given me a hint.”

“You lucky gal! Don’t _ever_ wish for it!”

“Indeed, Ginny. Have you told your coach? And have you seen a Healer? You may not be able to play for much longer, you realize. I don’t think the team would want to risk any harm to the baby.”

“We’re booked to see a Healer in two days. The medic got us the appointment. Coach has already told me that while I can still train, I won’t be playing another game until after the baby’s popped. But don’t worry, she’s making arrangements for me to help coach one of the junior league teams.”

“Oh, Galadriel preserve us! Ginny is going to have a whole team to boss around! Those poor, traumatized children!”

“Hey! I’ll have you know that I’m very professional and can keep my temper just fine. I passed the anger-management course Coach made me take.”

“The fact that you _needed_ a course...”

“And the fact that you seem to forget all the strictures when you’re around family...”

“Family’s different! If I can’t be myself around family, then I may as well kill myself!”

“Well, Ginny, at this point, it’d be suicide _and_ murder.”

“Oh dear. Looks like Flotsam and Jetsam need to have their nappies changed. Excuse me.”

“Would you like me to help, Luna?”

“Thank you, Hermione.”

Hermione and Luna brought the twins to the guest room. Luna spread out the needed supplies. 

“Don’t forget your Shield Charm, Hermione. I’ve only gotten my shirt wet so far, but George got a face-full of smelly pee the other day.”

“I take it the boys’, er, excretory habits are the reason for their nicknames?”

“Oh yes. Isn’t George clever? I’m so glad he’s even more silly now than before. I knew his odd behaviour during the pregnancy was temporary, but I really missed him those few months.”

“We all did. Well, young man, I think you’re all set. Thank you for not peeing on Auntie Hermione. Luna, why don’t you take the boys and I’ll repack your baby bag?”

“Thank you for offering, Hermione, but I can manage. _Dērige!_ ”

When they joined the group, they caught the tail-end of Padma’s story. “...I squirted him with breast-milk. You should have seen the shock on Percy’s face!”

When the laughter had died down, Padma recapped her story to Hermione and Luna about how she took revenge on Percy when he had relapsed one day and acted extremely disapproving and uptight about how she was managing to look after both Yemaya and the house.

“I’ll keep that handy tip to use on Draco in future. Thank you, Padma!”

“I expect a full account of the incident, Hermione.”

“Of course!”

“Oh! It looks like Fleur is getting the food ready. We’d better go and help. You stay put, Susan. Don’t argue, else I’ll tell Mum or Aunt Muriel to come and check on you.”

After everyone had helped themselves to a plate and settled to enjoy their meal, Hermione found herself sequestered in a quiet corner of the garden with Blaise.

“Kitten, I want you to be the first to know: Harry and I have decided to accept my cousin’s offer. You can tell Draco at home, of course. I’m not ready to make any announcement until we’re sure it’s a success. Hannah has recommended a colleague who studied both magical and Muggle healing and is an expert on helping couples with fertility issues.”

“Oh, Blaise, that’s wonderful! I’m so happy for you!”

“You are a very persuasive witch. Thank you for calming our fears.”

“It’s not our upbringing but our choices that define who we are and how we live our lives. You both will be _excellent_ parents. Just look how well Foss is thriving! Any child would be lucky to have you guide him or her through life.”

“We’ll certainly be sending the sprog to you for confidence boosting.”

“Uncle Draco would be even more qualified, methinks, especially for very severe cases.”

“Ta! Then you’ll have no objection to being the godparents?”

“We’d be delighted and honoured.”

That night, after he’d been told the news, Draco spent an hour discussing possible names and nicknames for the impending godchild with his unborn. The names got so ridiculous that Hermione had to playfully admonish him and order him to go to sleep.


	22. Chapter 22

**Report #:** 9  
 **Reporting mother:** Hermione  
 **Spouse/partner:** Draco  
 **Task:** getting Draco to rub moisturizer on my tummy  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 8  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 15 min  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 10  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** Draco sheepishly carried out the task after I explained to him that his constant caressing of the sprog is irritating the skin.   
**Miscellaneous notes:** I told him he can rub my tummy all he wants, but I’d prefer if he’d at least moisturize his hands first.


	23. Chapter 23

**Report #:** 5  
 **Reporting mother:** Susan Bones  
 **Spouse/partner:** Ronald _Bilius_ Weasley  
 **Task:** unpacking and repacking hospital tote  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 4  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 3 hrs  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 8  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** Ron thinks we’re going on holiday or some such. We _do not_ need all this stuff! But try convincing him that he’s wrong. Stubborn Gryffindors!  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** At our most recent visit, Hannah said we should start preparing to head to Mungo’s at any point, so I asked Ron to start packing some essential items for our stay. Hannah says we shouldn’t be in-hospital for more than five days, but Ron’s packed enough for a two-week vacation!


	24. Chapter 24

**Report #:** 1  
 **Reporting mother:** Ginevra Weasley  
 **Spouse/partner:** Oliver Wood  
 **Task:** to stop pestering me about eating more healthily and to restore all my favourite snacks immediately  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 1  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 1 hr  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 3  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** Oliver is under the delusion that we have to somehow make up for lost time. The Healer said the sprog’s _fine_ , that it’s perfectly healthy and developing as expected. He forgets that even though I snack on crisps and chocolate, the medic does make sure we eat properly while training.   
**Miscellaneous notes:** I’m going to hide his lager and transfigure _his_ unhealthy favourites into salads.


	25. Chapter 25

**Report #:** 10  
 **Reporting mother:** Hermione  
 **Spouse/partner:** Draco  
 **Task:** helping me off the couch so that I can pee  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 10  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** the few seconds it took for him to get off the couch  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 10, I guess  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** Draco levitated me to the bathroom. I suppose I shouldn’t complain, since it did get me there faster than if we walked.   
**Miscellaneous notes:** I told him that I need warning in future if he plans to use magic to complete tasks. And yes, he is _still_ cleaning the toilet manually.


	26. Chapter 26

**Report #:** 1  
 **Reporting mother:** Pansy Parkinson  
 **Spouse/partner:** Seamus Finnigan  
 **Task:** Seamus cleaning up the mess in the bathroom  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 4  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** I don’t know, although it felt like hours, so I’ll estimate 2 hrs  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 7  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** I’ve seen how clean his mum’s house is, so my satisfaction is more based on the fact that I didn’t have to clean the mess.  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** I know that Seamus is going to be spreading a tale of how I bullied him into cleaning up a mess that I made, but I’m barely able to keep my eyes open or do any of the things I usually do because this sprog is sapping all my energy. If I could’ve cleaned up the vomit and piss that ended up on the floor instead of the toilet, I would’ve, but when I tried, the smell made me vomit even more. Pregnancy is disgusting.


	27. Chapter 27

**Report #:** 6  
 **Reporting mother:** Susan  
 **Spouse/partner:** Ron  
 **Task:** request Ron sing “Weasley is Our King” to calm baby down  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 8  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 15 min  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 9  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** I apparently woke Ron up—I thought he was still awake! I was just talking to him a minute prior! But he knows it’s the only song that can calm the baby and give me some reprieve from all the kicking.  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** One more week. This baby’d better not be late. I’m tired. Ron’s tired. And Molly’s been hovering. Apparently, her children all arrived no later than week 39. Whereas I was five days late. _Please_ don’t be late, baby!


	28. Chapter 28

**Report #:** 11  
 **Reporting mother:** Hermione  
 **Spouse/partner:** Draco  
 **Task:** getting Draco to buy some spicy food, preferably Thai  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 3  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** ½ hr  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 10  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** Draco hates spicy food, but the sprog likes it, so sprog 1, daddy 0.   
**Miscellaneous notes:** It’s not as if I’m making him eat it! He claims the smell burns his sinuses. I told him that if he’d get rid of the habit of turning up his nose at everything, the fumes wouldn’t penetrate quite so easily!


	29. Chapter 29

**Report #:** 2  
 **Reporting mother:** Ginny  
 **Spouse/partner:** Oliver  
 **Task:** Oliver to swear he will never Floo my mum whenever he thinks there’s something wrong with me or the sprog  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 5  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 5 min  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 10  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** Oliver quickly agreed after I threatened to hex his balls off.  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** I’ve had a very trying day, what with Mum fussing over me because I felt a bit light-headed. I didn’t even lose consciousness! But Mr. Meddlesome _had_ to raise the alarm that had Mum cooking up enough food to feed fifty Quidditch teams and tutting all the while that she tidied up the house. It’s for his own safety that he’s sleeping on the couch tonight. I might relive my nightmarish day and hex him in my sleep.


	30. Chapter 30

**Report #:** 2  
 **Reporting mother:** Pansy  
 **Spouse/partner:** Seamus  
 **Task:** Seamus becoming a human handkerchief  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 10  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** immediately  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 8  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** Seamus has been very patient, very sweet. Reporter satisfaction score is a reflection of my dissatisfaction with myself.  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** I’m a weeping mess. I swore I would not become one of those crazy, prissy women who do nothing but cry and whine about how hard life is. But this pregnancy has just been horrible. I’m constantly crying for no reason. The vomiting was disgusting, and just when I thought I was finally getting rid of that, I’m dealing with gross leaking from my vagina—”vaginal discharges”, they’re called, and apparently, they’re common and will happen for the rest of the pregnancy. How is this normal?


	31. Chapter 31

“Hi, Susan! Congratulations!”

“Yes, congratulations!”

“Oh, look at her! She’s so sweet!”

“Another redhead to add to the family! Arthur and Molly must be thrilled!”

The girls had arranged their next get-together to be held at Susan and Ron’s place so that she could attend and they could meet the baby, born a few weeks prior. It had been Padma’s suggestion, and she had checked with Susan to ensure that she was up to receiving visitors. Everyone brought a dish along with the baby gifts.

“Have you decided on a name?”

“How was the delivery?”

“How is Ron with all of this?”

“You know how Ron is usually such a heavy sleeper that even the house collapsing couldn’t wake him up? Well, the last week or so before Ameline was born, he was waking up at the faintest sounds. Which was a good thing because our daughter decided around 4:00 a.m. that she was ready to meet us. Poor Ron was so anxious that he tripped on the covers and got nasty bruises on his cheek and shoulder because of how he landed on the floor. The delivery was fairly uneventful—thankfully, I take after my mum and gran, who also had very quick births. Ameline was born four hours later. The only ‘problem’ I had was dealing with Ron’s over-eagerness. He was trying to help me with the breathing exercises and nearly passed out from the effort. I finally had to yell at him to stop or he could wait outside and miss seeing Ameline being born.”

“Oh, Ron!”

“Did he spend the next few hours just holding Ameline like a besotted fool? Percy did that.”

“Yes! Molly had to almost rip Ameline from his arms to get her turn.”

“And Ron has been sharing duties equally? Feeding, bathing, diapers?”

“Yes, he’s been wonderful. Strangely enough, Ameline prefers him on diaper duty. Not that I’m complaining. I never imagined that such a tiny person could produce _such_ noxious smells!”

“Ugh! More disgusting things to look forward to!”

“Oh, Pansy! It’s not that bad—and every baby’s different. Maybe yours won’t have such strong-smelling poops!”

“You forget, Susan, that I’ve been craving smelly cheeses.”

“Cravings come and go. How is the nausea?”

“Ugh, don’t remind me. I couldn’t have a ‘normal’ pregnancy like you girls. No, my body had to be difficult. It _had_ to have an undetected anemia problem that causes me to faint all the time. The Healer is forcing me to eat more red meat, and much as I detest it, I’m complying. It’s either that or the bedrest that Seamus is threatening.”

“I warned you that your dainty ways would one day give you grief, Panse.”

“Oh, shut it, Blaise!”

“Oh, it’s my turn! Hello, my sweet Ameline! I’m your Auntie Ginny! Aren’t you the cutest little button ever?”

“Well, that certainly removes any doubt about Ginny’s readiness for motherhood.”

“As if there could be? She’s got ‘Molly’ in her name, after all.”

“So, Ginny, any new cravings? I have to say, if we were handing out awards, you’d definitely win for the strangest cravings in the history of pregnancy.”

“It’s not my fault! The sprog decided to take after his Uncle Ron.”

“So, what _have_ you been craving?”

“Seafood.”

“I thought you hated seafood.”

“I did. But the sprog loves it. With tons of butter, too.”

“You’d better watch your weight, Ginny. Your coach is not going to be happy with you.”

“I know. I’ve been doing as best I can to keep active. Don’t tell Oliver, but I’m still practising Quidditch moves when he’s not home.”

“Better not let Arthur or Molly find out, either.”

“And what about your little Foss, Blaise? How is he doing?”

“He’s been a doll. The house is literally much brighter with him in our lives. And thankfully, he’s willing to sleep on his perch in the study now, instead of our bedroom. He was getting a bit too bright for us to get a proper night’s rest.”

“Any plans to get another pet?”

“No, one pet will do for now.”

“And is he still playing favourites?”

Blaise sighed dramatically. “Yes. It’s so unfair. I brooded him, but he prefers perching on his daddy.”

“Oh, don’t feel jealous, Blaise. Children tend to gravitate toward the parent they see less often. Yemaya reserves her biggest smiles for her daddy when he comes home. But she knows to come to me whenever she’s in distress.”

“Foss goes to Harry for everything, especially when he’s distressed.”

“Harry defeated Voldemort, so he’s used to handling stress.”

“Luna’s right. Oh, Blaise, you silly. Foss knows to go to you for food and for grooming, doesn’t he? And besides, Harry used to have Hedwig, so he has a bit more experience with birds.”

“I suppose. Oh, hello, sweeting! Now that I’ve got a better look at you, I see that even though you’ve got your daddy’s flaming colours, you’ve your mummy’s cute lips.”

“That’s true! Ameline does have your lips, Susan.”

“And who knows? She may grow up to look like Mummy. Babies always look like their fathers in their first year of life. It’s an evolutionary safety blanket.”

“Are you prepared for a mini Draco, then, ’Mione?”

“I have little choice in the matter. Narcissa has been showing me photo albums and painted portraits of Draco’s family. The pointed features are inherited. And even though I have the brown-on-brown, there’s still a possibility that the sprog will be fair because most of my family on my dad’s side is fair. I do hope the sprog will take after my dad’s side, if he has to take after someone. Less washed-out.”

“Ah, but I thought Draco’s glacial looks were what attracted you in the first place, Kitten.”

“It certainly wasn’t his congeniality. But if I know Hermione at all, I would assume it was his razor-sharp wit that made the heart all aflutter. Sparring with Draco must be a lot of fun.”

“And that’s why you like picking fights with my brother, Padma?”

“Guilty as charged, Ginny. Although, it’s quite easy to rile Percy. Draco is a tougher nut to crack. But Hermione seems to have done quite well.”

“Indeed! She’s even managed to crack Lucius’ thick armour, haven’t you, Kitten?”

“I think Voldemort and the war already did a good job of that, Blaise. And dare I commend you on the loss of your wincing reflex whenever anyone says ‘Voldemort’? You as well, Pansy. I noticed that you’ve stopped shuddering and doing that soft scream.”

“Being married to a Gryffindor cures one of many things. Seamus took a page from Harry and kept throwing the name at me until the shock wore off. Blaise is still more advanced than I am—he can say the name now without stuttering.”

“Well, I’ll say this for Harry: he definitely knows something about manipulation. What else can I do but submit when I get a kiss after saying ‘Voldemort’?”

“That’s what happens when you choose to be with one of two Gryffindors known to possess a not-so-hidden inner Slytherin. I bet you and Draco compare notes all the time.”

“I can neither confirm nor deny that allegation.”

“That’s what Fred says whenever I accuse him of brewing trouble.”

“He hasn’t been brewing too much trouble lately, has he? George seems to have his hands full, what with the shop and the twins.”

“And that’s why he’s leaving more and more of the planning to Fred. And his latest mad scheme is to come up with product names based on our endearments for each other. I’m trying to talk him out of it.”

“Well, ‘Silly-love’ and ‘Red-hot tub’ do rather lend themselves to comedy. Which reminds me: do you mind if I ask how the names came about? Yours is clearly a pun of ‘Silvana’, but I’ve never quite figured out Fred’s.”

“Oh, it’s just more bad punning. Of my surname. I’m the ‘faucet’ showering him with my love, so he’s my bathtub. I used to call him ‘Hot Red’, so...”

“Ah! I see.”

“Milli, you’ve been very quiet. I hope everything’s all right.”

“Oh, I’m fine, Hermione. Just a little tired because I didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Milli, is that a blush? It _is_! Oh, that I would live to see the day when the fearsome Millicent Bulstrode, the bane of every Slytherin wizard with the misfortune of coming within striking distance, did something uncharacteristically girly! Tell me, Milli, was _Neville_ the cause of your sleeplessness? My, my, it’s always the quiet ones, isn’t it?”

“Oh hush, Blaise! Milli and Neville have been trying to start a family.”

“That’s wonderful, Milli! I hope we hear some good news soon! And just think: your little one will be the perfect playmate for Hermione’s and Pansy’s children!”

“Oh, all these Slytherin-Gryffindor babies! Dumbledore must be chuckling in his grave.”

“Don’t forget the Ravenclaw-Gryffindor cousins. Half the Weasley men seem to have a thing for Ravenclaws.”

“I’m sure Dumbledore is pleased with all the interhouse pairings we’ve got among us. You’re in the minority, Ginny.”

“Ah well. We don’t always choose who we fall in love with, wouldn’t you agree, ’Mione?”

“ _Touché._ ”

“I don’t know about the rest of you, but this new mummy is starving and very curious to know what dishes all of you brought. And can I say how much I appreciate all of you going to all this trouble?”

“Our pleasure, Susan. You just Floo anyone if you ever develop cabin fever.”

“Or need to rant about my silly brother.”

“Oh, Ginny!”

“Seeing as Hermione and Ginny have due dates within one week of each other, our next baby-centric get-together could be a joint one.”

“Great idea!”

“And since Hermione’s due date is also the deadline we’d agreed on for the competition, we need to discuss the results as well!”

“Luna, would you mind if we had the gathering at your place?”

“‘ _Is it not delightful to have friends visiting from distant quarters?_ ’”


	32. Chapter 32

**Report #:** 12  
 **Reporting mother:** Hermione  
 **Spouse/partner:** Draco  
 **Task:** convincing Draco to let me remove my wedding ring  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 4  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 27 min  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 8  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** I don’t know why he’s so resistant to the idea. It’s common sense! My fingers are getting more and more swollen. I don’t want to cut off circulation. If this argument continues, I might just break the ring into fragments to spite him!  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** Malfoys and their possessiveness! Is the sprog not a big enough “property of” declaration? If we have any more, they’re going to be daughters. Hannah will know how to make it happen!


	33. Chapter 33

**Report #:** 3  
 **Reporting mother:** Pansy  
 **Spouse/partner:** Seamus  
 **Task:** Seamus to purchase the softest toothbrush available; failing that, having one made  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 6  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 10 min  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 8  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** He would’ve spent longer arguing with me, but I reminded him that the Apothecary closes in 15 min.  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** I’ve won the pregnancy lottery. Name ways that disgusting fluids can leak from any part of the body, and it’s happening to me. Bloody bleeding gums, now! Caused by hormonal changes. I need to brush after I eat, even if it’s just a few pieces of fruit. Why is this so complicated?


	34. Chapter 34

**Report #:** 3  
 **Reporting mother:** Ginny  
 **Spouse/partner:** Oliver   
**Task:** convincing Oliver that it’s safe for me to attend his team’s charity ball  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 5  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** half hour  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 8  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** I’m pregnant, not disabled! There are chairs at the ball; it’s not as if I’ll be standing the entire time! I don’t have any desire to drink alcoholic drinks; even if I were, there are plenty of people to stop me—the sprog’s rather obvious.  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** It would’ve taken even less time to get ready if I didn’t have to argue with him! And blast this bulge! I used to be able to get ready in 15 min!


	35. Chapter 35

**Report #:** 13  
 **Reporting mother:** Hermione  
 **Spouse/partner:** Draco  
 **Task:** being a human pillow  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 6  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 10 min  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 7  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** Draco complained that he couldn’t breathe properly. I pointed out that I’ve been feeling that way for the past several weeks and will continue to do so until after the sprog is born.  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** This extra weight has really become a nuisance. I couldn’t find a comfortable sleeping position, no matter how I positioned myself or how many extra pillows I conjured. And even after I finally settled with my head—and it was just my head and not my full weight like he accused me of doing—on his chest, I still found it hard to fall asleep. I still don’t feel rested. What’s more, Draco kept squirming and, at some point during the night, pushed me off him and woke me up. He did apologize to me this morning, though—in his typical way, of course. May lightning strike them down if ever a Malfoy verbalized an apology.


	36. Chapter 36

**Report #:** 4  
 **Reporting mother:** Pansy  
 **Spouse/partner:** Seamus  
 **Task:** sleeping without a blanket  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 3  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 1 hr  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 9  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** Seamus claims he woke up freezing, which is an exaggeration.   
**Miscellaneous notes:** The sprog is like a built-in oven. I’m sweating all the time! If Seamus is that cold-blooded, he can put on warmer pajamas to bed!


	37. Chapter 37

**Report #:** 4  
 **Reporting mother:** Ginny  
 **Spouse/partner:** Oliver  
 **Task:** Oliver to buy me a new broomstick  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 3  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 12 hrs  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 8  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** I hate that I ended up sounding like my nagging mum before I could convince him to get me a new one. I’ve put on weight, so my current broomstick isn’t strong enough to hold me. It was a choice between him buying me a new broom or me using his “lucky” one.  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** Men are so unreasonable. I’m only riding the broom because it calms me down. Of course I’ll make sure to not fall off and hurt the sprog! It’s as if _I’m_ not the mother of said sprog but some evil hag seeking vengeance by disrupting the Wood family succession.


	38. Chapter 38

**Report #:** 14  
 **Reporting mother:** Hermione  
 **Spouse/partner:** Draco  
 **Task:** getting Draco to rub a soothing cream on my... nether region  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 5  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 15 min  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 9  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** I just recovered from a very bad bladder infection, and the cream is supposed to help soothe the inflammation. Draco’s touched me there loads of times, so I really don’t see what the big deal is. He’s such a germophobe! If I could see or feel around the bulge, I’d do it myself!  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** I _was_ going to ask him to help me shave my legs, but I think I’ll impose on one of the girls.


	39. Chapter 39

**Report #:** 5  
 **Reporting mother:** Pansy  
 **Spouse/partner:** Seamus  
 **Task:** making Seamus go out for some haggis  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 1  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 1 hr  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 8  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** Seamus was very offended by the request, but I can’t help it if I’m craving it. Blame Madam Rosmerta for having it on the menu when the girls and I went there for lunch last week.   
**Miscellaneous notes:** I don’t know where he went for the haggis, but it was lukewarm by the time he got home and wasn’t nearly as tasty as the one Rosmerta served. I warned him to do better the next time I have the craving; else, I’ll wait until we’re visiting his dear ol’ mam to make the request.


	40. Chapter 40

**Report #:** 5  
 **Reporting mother:** Ginny  
 **Spouse/partner:** Oliver  
 **Task:** getting Oliver to stop being such a Snape!  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 4  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** not applicable because he’s refusing  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 1  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** Oliver is acting like a combination of Snape and McGonagall, actually.  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** I’ve been getting mild heartburn—which is normal in pregnancy—and now Oliver is monitoring my every move and dictating what I can and cannot eat! What’s worse, he’s warned my whole family to only let me eat the rubbish food from his list. I can’t have chocolate or fish ’n chips until after the sprog is born. And the Healer wonders why I have high blood pressure!


	41. Chapter 41

**Report #:** 15  
 **Reporting mother:** Hermione  
 **Spouse/partner:** Draco  
 **Task:** drinking Polyjuice to become each other for the purpose of relieving agonizing back pains, even if only for an hour  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 8  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 3 hrs  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 10!  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** I would just like to clarify the less-than-perfect score and long time lapse: Draco was only hesitant because he was afraid that the Polyjuicing would affect the baby in an adverse way. And the three hours was a result of him doing research to ensure the safety of the task and also the need to procure a bottle of the potion. He didn’t hesitate a moment after we added our hairs to our respective potions.  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** How the hell do men walk properly with... with this... millstone sack of flesh between their legs?! Draco complained that I was making him look bow-legged, but how else am I supposed to move? And poor Draco. The back pains were really trying. And he’s not used to all the extra weight in front either, so he was oscillating between slouching, which aggravated the back pains, and walking with his stomach protruding even more than usual. Of course, the arse couldn’t help fondling ~~his~~ ~~my~~ those breasts! But I’ll forgive him for that because the three-hour absence of pain was BLISS! I also have his word that he’ll never complain henceforth about my constant demands for a backrub.

_Draco’s interjection here: why in Zeus’ incestuous and lascivious name haven’t the Healers come up with a better way to have babies? This is torture! I’ve never felt such unstable moods in my entire life! And all that extra weight! I will never tease Greg again! And damn it, I so wanted to take advantage of the fact that my perpetual state of horniness was transferred to my even-tempered wife, but just the thought of—_

Hermione back again—you get away from this piece of parchment or I’ll hex you! Shagrat’s shrivelled shaft, did you HAVE to add those—I’ll be as foul-mouthed as I please! Hmph, I married the Grandmaster of Swearing himself, after all. Besides, I’m carrying your sprog, so I’m entitled! Anyway, Hermione signing off!


	42. Chapter 42

**Report #:** 6  
 **Reporting mother:** Ginny  
 **Spouse/partner:** Oliver  
 **Task:** convincing Oliver that I don’t need to go to Mungo’s to have the scratch marks examined  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 6  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 20 min  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 8  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** The sprog kicking and responding to his voice finally distracted him enough to put a stop to his nagging. He’s worse than mum, I swear! The Healer said that as my tummy stretched, my skin would itch. Moisturizing does the trick, so that’s what I’ve got him to do.  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** It’s kind of cute to watch the sprog kick wherever Oliver’s rubbing lotion.


	43. Chapter 43

**Report #:** 6  
 **Reporting mother:** Pansy  
 **Spouse/partner:** Seamus  
 **Task:** having Seamus rub my legs and feet to soothe the cramping  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 7  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 15 min  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 9  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** Seamus was getting grossed out by my request that he first shave my legs. But wouldn’t it be more gross if he started massaging _without_ them shaved?  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** Men! They love the feel of soft legs while having sex. Have they seen their own legs? What, do they honestly think that women are born without leg hair? I would _love_ if that could happen. Certainly saves me time and effort to appear so flawless all the time. And we’re clearly missing the point here: my legs are killing me! AND there are ugly veins sticking out! I couldn’t even walk to the kitchen for some food without crying from the effort, but he’s grumbling about spelling away some hairs? How about he carry and birth this baby?


	44. Chapter 44

**Report #:** 7  
 **Reporting mother:** Ginny  
 **Spouse/partner:** Oliver  
 **Task:** to leave me alone and just let me stay in bed!  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 6  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** I keep having to tell him to bugger off every hour  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 3  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** He’s such a worry-wort! I’m just tired.  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** I don’t ever want to get out of bed again. I’ll stay in here until the sprog’s born. I don’t want to deal with anything. There’s no point to it all. I’m fat. I hurt everywhere. I can’t even fly on a broom. Life has no meaning.


	45. Chapter 45

**Report #:** final report  
 **Reporting mother:** Hermione  
 **Spouse/partner:** Draco  
 **Task:** helping me put my socks and shoes on  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 4  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** 10 min  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 8  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** I’m two days from expected due date. Is it really that unreasonable to ask for some help putting on socks and shoes when I haven’t seen my feet in ages?  
 **Miscellaneous notes:** I already knew from the beginning that I’d never win this competition, so may as well just end the charade... and not give George any further amusement at my expense.


	46. Chapter 46

**Report #:** 1  
 **Reporting mother:** Millicent Bulstrode  
 **Spouse/partner:** Neville Longbottom  
 **Task:** help me get off the bathroom floor after puking  
 **How willing was spouse to complete task (1 to 10):** 10  
 **Total time between reporter’s request and spouse’s affirmation of carrying out task (in sec/min/hr):** within one minute  
 **Reporter’s satisfaction at completion of task (1 to 10):** 10  
 **Notes on spouse’s behaviour regarding task (comments, complaints, etc.):** Neville not only came immediately when I called for help, he got a warm towel to wipe my face, gave me some mint-flavoured water to rinse my mouth, cleaned up the vomit that didn’t make it into the toilet bowl, and half-carried me back to the bed. Then, he Floo’d the office to say I wasn’t going in and got the house-elf to make some hot soup.   
**Miscellaneous notes:** Now I know what the other girls have been complaining about!


	47. Chapter 47

“You know, you can put him down and take a break. He’s not leprechaun gold: he won’t disappear as soon as you look away.”

“Mummy’s just being silly, isn’t she, little chap? Daddy’s not at all tired. And Mummy’s just grumpy that you were three days late. She can be uptight about the silliest things. She clearly forgot that babies arrive on their own schedule. All the books say so.”

“Mummy’s grumpy because she just spent twelve hours giving birth! And Mummy would say that the lateness has more to do with being a Malfoy. I bet it was a Malfoy that popularized the term ‘fashionably late’.”

“The world will always wait for Malfoys, so the concept of punctuality does not apply to us, little chap. Remember that.”

“Don’t encourage him to develop bad habits!”

“Proper pride is not a bad habit; it is an expression of good breeding.”

“Athena’s amity! Only a Malfoy can turn Pride into a virtue.”

“And only Gryffindors will deem ‘headstrong recklessness’ a characteristic to be celebrated. And wrap it in clean linen and call it ‘courage’. _That_ is something to avoid at all costs if you’re to be a proper Malfoy, little chap.”

“And has the proud father decided on a name yet? It’s hardly proper to call him ‘little chap’ for the rest of his life. Mummy still retains the right to veto any pretentious ones.”

“Caelan.”

There was a pause. Finally, Hermione muttered, “That’s a decent-sounding name.”

“Let the record note that for the first time, Draco Malfoy has rendered Hermione Granger incapable of producing a counter-argument.”

“Ha ha, let’s not get carried away. I’m just relieved that you really were joking about considering Scorpius and Hyperion as names.”

“There are a limited number of stars and constellations to choose from. Name one that’s better and hasn’t already been used among our friends?”

“I wouldn’t’ve considered naming our son after any celestial body to begin with.”

“Oh, were you going to give him some common name like John? Or Harry?”

“Hmph! Of course not! But that’s a moot point. I’m fine with Caelan.”

“Well then, Caelan, shall we introduce you properly to your mummy? Mummy, meet your son, Caelan Thelonius Malfoy.”

Hermione sighed. “Fine. If your son grows up despising you for saddling him with such a name, you have only yourself to blame.”

“I gave him an elegant, dignified name, one that he’d be proud to have.”

“Your daddy’s suffering from one of his massive delusions again, Kay.”

“Don’t call him ‘Kay’! Why would you call him that when he has a perfectly sound name? I know you put up with being called ‘Mione’, although you hate it.”

Hermione rolled her eyes. “Fine. But even if we don’t call him that, others will. So, you either have him get used to it or give him a one-syllabled nickname that they can use instead.”

“Fine. Khan.”

“No! He’s going to have enough ego-stroking from you and your parents for being a Malfoy. You are _not_ going to inflict him with more arrogance than necessary.”

“Fine. You choose one, then.”

“I will.”

“You mean you haven’t thought of one, yet?”

“Until a few minutes ago, he didn’t even have a name! And in case you’ve forgotten, I did just spend the last several hours birthing him. My mind needs some recovery time.”

“Excuses, excuses. You’ve been using the sprog as an excuse for almost a year. It’s getting lame.”

“Argh! We’ll call him ‘Kit’, then. Because he’s _your_ son.” Hermione giggled as Draco glowered at her. “Or do you prefer ‘Cub’? He’ll be associated with Gryffindor for sure with that nickname.”

Draco snorted. “No Malfoy has ever Sorted into Gryffindor.”

“Ah, but no Malfoy has married a Muggle-born either. And willingly, too.”

“Can’t have the heir born out of wedlock.”

“Oh, really, is that the reason? Well, I shall have to speak to the lawyers about drawing up divorce papers, seeing as the purpose of the marriage has now been fulfilled.”

“Malfoys don’t get divorced.”

“And what _do_ Malfoys do when they find themselves in impossible situations?”

“Overwhelm their opponents. Like this.” 

Draco trapped Hermione in his arms and kissed her until she hummed with satisfaction.

***

“Hello, girls! Come in! I’m so glad you could all come! Caelan’s still napping, but he should be waking soon and hopefully in a cheerful mood to meet his aunties. It’s not a guarantee, though. Something about being a Malfoy that causes him only to be pleasant if and when he pleases.”

“Well, Kitten, you certainly didn’t bring the wrong baby home. You’re looking very well, may I add. No signs of sleep deprivation at all.”

“That’s very sweet of you, Blaise. Caelan’s been quite good, but Hannah warned that it’s not likely to last, so I’ve been storing up my sleeping hours for the inevitable. Wait, where are your babies, Padma, Luna, Susan? I was looking forward to cuddling them!”

“We thought it best to leave them with Grandma Molly. Now that the four of them are completely mobile, they’re into everything. We worried they might disturb Caelan, who can’t be used to so much activity and noise. And I’m sorry to say that Yemaya has found too much pleasure in poking things. I doubt Caelan would appreciate that.”

“That’s very kind of you. Some of my cousins have young children as well, and Kit got to meet them this past weekend. He didn’t seem to mind the attention at all. In fact, it was hard to tell who was more enthralled with the other. Oh! He’s awake. Help yourselves to the snacks and drinks, girls. I’ll be back with the sprog.”

Hermione came back with a bright-eyed Caelan in a jumper of red and gold, “Gryffling” embroidered across the torso area. He accepted the adoration with aplomb.

“You called him ‘Kit’ just now, Kitten. Tell me: is he named after you or his daddy?” Blaise chuckled at the sight of Hermione’s sly grin. “His daddy, then. He certainly looks like a tiny replica of your good-looking husband, doesn’t he?”

“Don’t let Draco or Harry hear you say that, Blaise.”

“Oh, Draco’s always known I found him attractive. It’s why Pansy and I didn’t get along as well when we were young. And Harry knows who my heart belongs to.”

“Pansy ‘didn’t get along’ with you because you were such a stuck-up prig, Zabini.”

“Pots and kettles, darling. Thankfully, you seem to have outgrown it. Or is it more accurate to say that your Irishman has worn you down sufficiently?”

“Potter seems to have tamed you pretty well, too. Must be an endemic Gryffindor disease. Milli’s caught it, to some extent. Draco has definitely been infected.”

“Not as much as I’d like, Pansy. He’s only barely tolerable most of the time.”

“Oh, you’re not fooling anyone, Hermione. I’m sure Pansy and Blaise will admit they’ve never seen Draco so affectionate as to render him un-Slytherin.”

“I do agree with that assessment, Padma. But to love a Gryffindor is to risk losing one’s calm, as I’m sure you’ve experienced.”

“Touché, Blaise.”

“‘ _A happy man marries the girl he loves; a happier man loves the girl he marries._ ’” 

“Ah, Luna’s first _bon mot du jour_.”

“Stimulating conversation is why we have get-togethers.”

“Agreed! Husbands can be so dull.”

“Second that! So, girls, what news have I missed while being holed up here looking after Kit?”

“Milli’s pregnant!”

“Oh, that’s wonderful, Milli! How far along are you?”

“Almost five months.”

“Neville and his gran must be ecstatic!”

Pansy interrupted before Milli could reply. “Gran _was_ ecstatic. She’s a bit cross with Milli at present, but I’m sure all will be forgiven soon enough. Oh, don’t be embarrassed, Milli! It’s the cravings! Just be thankful you weren’t poisoned!”

“Poisoned! Were you attacked by one of Neville’s plants, Milli?”

“No... I accidentally ate her prized hibiscuses.”

“Oh dear! But they’re edible flowers, aren’t they? Yes, I think our Herbology textbooks said so. And thank goodness! Gran’s wrath is nothing compared to any harm you may have suffered if they weren’t safe. Don’t worry, Milli. I’m sure Neville’s cultivating replacements as we speak. And he’ll likely improve on the variety that Gran had. Neville’s got quite a knack with plants.”

“And Neville has given Milli bragging rights as well—for having won our little competition.”

“I forgot all about that! So, Neville is the most considerate husband? I’m not at all surprised.”

“How diplomatic of you, ’Mione. Although I agree with you: there’s nothing meek about Neville. His ‘Nagini’s Bane’ moniker isn’t a hollow one.”

“No, indeed! Quite the heroic pose he struck that day. Just the memory gives me palpitations!”

“Coming from ‘Mrs.’ Boy-Who-Lived, that’s quite a compliment!”

“Oh, shush, Ginevra! We all went through our hero-worshipping phases.”

“Speaking of phases, are you feeling better now, Ginny? The bouts of depression haven’t been bothering you?”

“I’m much better, thanks. I still get periods of very low energy but nothing near that black chasm I experienced those two weeks, Gaia be thanked. I hope I never go through that again.”

“And Pansy? How are you coping?”

“I’m coping. I’m still experiencing disgusting leakages as well as the aches and pains. Why have women continued with this nonsense through the generations? It’s torture!”

“Ah, but think of the alternative. Do you really want the men to be birthing the babies?”

“True. Ten points to Ravenclaw.”

“And besides, when they’re small and helpless and cute like this, you forget the pains it took to get them to this stage; I’m told, anyway.”

“Kit’s quite taken with you, Silvana. Is there something you want to share with us?”

“No, Hermione, not yet. Although, I _have_ been doing a lot more babysitting, so I’m quite comfortable around the babies.”

“Molly’s trying to condition you, is she? You should point her in Ginny’s direction.”

“Hey! It’s bad enough that I have Oliver constantly hovering. I’ve so far managed to keep Mum at arm’s length, so don’t you dare!”

“‘ _Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace amid the storm_.’”

“Listen to Luna, Ginny. You’re always going to be her little girl, even after you have little girls of your own.”

“It’s just a pity that tears don’t work nearly as well on mums as they do husbands.”

“Mums are women and therefore not as gullible.”

“Except when their babies are under the age of five.”

“Better enjoy them now. They’ll be little terrors soon enough, if the toddlers in my extended family are any indication.”

“And pretty soon, they’ll be off to Hogwarts!”

“It will be very interesting to see who gets Sorted into which House, given the mixed parentage.”

“Fleur’s been talking about sending Victoire to Beauxbatons. I doubt Bill would agree to that.”

“Mum definitely wouldn’t. And things may go back to the hostilities they’d had before Bill and Fleur’s marriage. Hmmm... maybe I should provoke them to do so. It’d certainly take the focus off me.”

“That’s horrible, Ginny!”

“That’s absolutely Slytherin of you, Ginny! Are you sure the Hat didn’t consider you for our house?”

“Gryffindor and proud of it!”

“I wonder if we’ll have any Hatstalls? I think Harry and I are the only ones from our year.”

“Neville was a Hatstall. He could’ve Sorted to Hufflepuff.”

“Really? I didn’t know that, Milli! I bet Professor Sprout bemoaned that! In a way, I rather wish it had. I think Neville would’ve been happier.”

“Gran may have disowned him.”

“Oh, dear, I suppose that’s true. But she’s eaten her words now!”

“And we can rest assured that no offspring of Milli will ever be bullied or unloved because he or she has unexpected talents.”

“Hear, hear!”

“By the way, Luna, dare I ask if Draco scored the lowest for the competition?”

“No. He was rated kinder than he wishes and you perceive.”

“The Gryffindor is definitely rubbing off!”

“And that means he placed somewhere in the middle! Oh, I can’t wait to tease him on being ‘average’!”

“The scoring is misleading and inaccurate, so I wouldn’t use them as measures. Hermione’s calculations take into account a typical pregnancy, but the difficulties that Ginny and Pansy have are biasing against them and therefore skewing all our results. But the reports were interesting reads. I would like to try it the next time I’m pregnant. I’d like to know how much my self-perception is affected by abnormal hormones.”

“Those are valid points, Luna. I’ll rework the calculations tomorrow while Kit naps.”

“Meanwhile, I think a little someone needs to change his nappy.”

“So he does! Thank you, Padma. Come on, Kittie-boo, let’s see what sort of mess you’ve made. Please excuse me, ladies!”

While Hermione secured a fresh nappy, Blaise poked his head inside the door. “Kitten, would you mind if we raided your fridge for sour condiments? Pansy’s cravings are presenting.”

“Oh, of course not! Tell the girls they are welcome to anything they can find!”

“And Kitten, Arya’s had a successful implantation! But we’re still keeping quiet until the first trimester has passed.”

“Congratulations, Blaise! How is Harry coping with the news? Oh, I’ve got to have lunch with both of you soon so we can talk!”

“He’s quite calm about everything, which is good because I need him to help tone me down. I just want to tell everyone we meet that we’re expecting!”

“How much longer?”

“Arya’s at twelve weeks right now, so just another two weeks or so.”

“And how is she feeling?”

“The morning sickness has started. Poor lamb. I promised she could have anything she wants for doing this for us.”

“I’m sure she’s just happy to be able to do this for you, Blaise. Maybe you could consider letting her choose the names?”

“That’s funny—Harry said the same thing! Oh, you Gryffindors and your generosity! I’d better get back or the girls will think we’re plotting world domination.”

The remainder of the afternoon flew by as the girls happily chatted away over the excellent tea that Hermione had requested be prepared by one of the Malfoy house-elves.

**Author's Note:**

> Hat’s off to the brilliant SSHG fic [Hogwarts House-Elves’ Housekeeping Files: vol. 1990s](http://archiveofourown.org/works/154712/chapters/222456) for the inspiration and hilarious format!
> 
> And to give proper credit for the quotes used:
> 
> “May the blessing of light be on you… like a great peat fire.” old Celtic blessing
> 
> “Is it not delightful to have friends visiting from distant quarters?” Confucius
> 
> “A happy man marries the girl he loves; a happier man loves the girl he marries.” Susan Douglas
> 
> “Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace amid the storm.” Anonymous


End file.
